There’s A Heart In Me That Isn’t Mine

This heart doesn’t feel like mine,
This heart has been hurt and changed with time,
It used to love free and be nothing but kind
But you’ve torn me down and my true heart died.

There are new chambers in here which I’d rather hide
Because they aren’t me and they aren’t kind
Despite your anger towards me I continue to try
Love must really be blind..
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Isn’t it Great

Great: of an extent, amount, or intensity considerably above the normal or average.

This is how I feel right now. I’m fortunate to have wonderful people in my life. Two of which I am currently staying with until I move into my new place in a few weeks.

When you’re alone it’s easy to forget the good you do have. And sometimes even when they’re around you can still feel alone. That’s the worst feeling of them all. But, right now I’m happy for the company.

I think it’s because when you have close friends present you don’t feel like you’re fighting alone in the world anymore. You’re reminded that you are on a team. If they are in need, I got them. If I am need, they got me. And that’s a Great fucking feeling. The Greatest fucking feeling.

This doesn’t fix everything, but it definitely helps. The wine helps too 😉

Hello From The Bottom

I’m starting this blog because I can’t get out of bed today. I thought this would be nice to give me something to do. To kill some time until it’s dark and I can just sleep the time away without feeling so guilty. Today i’m writing this to you from the bottom, of rock bottom.

I’m in my early thirties, not much of a career, no real hope for the future, no direction and tons of bills I’m always worried about getting paid on time. Does this happen to other people my age? Not like it would make me feel better even if it was happening to everyone in the world. But, I do feel isolated in this dark rut. Like I’m the only one who hasn’t figured it out yet.

And this is how my life has always been. I was born into a shitty family full of violent and vindictive behavior, substance abuse and extreme emotional issues. Since I was a child I’ve always wished I had been lucky enough to have a normal life. A normal family. Just the basic necessities for a child to grow up to be a stable adult. With common knowledge most parents teach their children. Because I never had any of that.

I got a Mom that left me in 3rd grade. That wasn’t that bad, because I never really saw her even before she left. Meth is one hell of a drug. I got a Dad who stayed, which was nice. But, all he did was take his anger out on my Brother and I. Physical abuse from him was a normal thing in my house. I never even knew that wasn’t okay to do to your kids until the day he got caught by my school in 7th grade. Even then I felt a lot of guilt.
It didn’t help that when he got arrested my Grandma called me downstairs and grabbed me by the arm and made me look outside at my Dad being handcuffed yelling at me “Look what you did! Look what you did to your Dad”! Thanks, Lady.

I’ve spent years working through the emotional issues I’ve inherited. There was even a time I really felt I had conquered them. Life felt good and hopeful. But there never fails to be some catastrophic deadly storm after every bright sunny day I have. This pattern has taught me to never be too happy or too comfortable. Things will always fall apart. They will always be bad again.

But, I’ve also learned to never be too sad. I have days that feel so dark, like I’ll never survive them and things will never be good again, but I have learned that eventually I do have another good day. It’s these bad days I just keep reminding myself that it can only be so bad for so long. That gives me hope. And most or all days of my life I am 100% completely just living on hope. Especially today.